Dai Speaks

Let’s talk about social media. It’s basically taking over our lives at this point. It makes up so much of our lives in fact, that many people get caught up in the projection of an augmented and carefully edited personality on a social platform. People are becoming obsessed with other people’s lives to the point where you can have FOMO (fear of missing out) just because you see a picture online with a nice caption. This fear I feel plays into the capitalistic view of productivity, and the worth of people compared to objects in our society. I felt it was important to talk about the social media aspect of grieving because we have so much interaction in social spheres on the internet now, and that changes the dynamic of social spheres including how people are treated when they are grieving. Recently, the passing of Nipsey Hussle has been highly publicized and monitored through social media and other news sites. The tragic passing of Nipsey was not only recorded and put on social media for his family to stumble upon in his last moments, but his family’s first moments of grief after his death were shared on social media with no regard. The insensitive sharing of private moments on social media is a symptom of how we treat celebrities for sure, but another side of social media in regards to grieving is HOW you grieve on social media. I would argue that there are many different ways people cope with loss. Some isolate themselves, some push the issue/people away, some work on other things and keep their minds busy, and some express their emotions by reaching out to other people and remembering their loved one publicly. There has been some back and forth about this tragedy in particular with people feeling like Lauren London (Nipsey’s widow) should have been grieving publicly and showing how she felt on social media. The fact that people feel entitled to have an opinion about other people’s timelines of grief. As a society we police what people do, how they raise their kids, who they marry, and even how they deal with tragedy. Not even the death of a loved one is sacred. On a different note, social media can also be an outlet for someone during the grieving process, and I also appreciate how it can bring people together to show support for the families that are grieving loved ones. Social media is multifaceted in this way, and I am learning more every day that everything has its pros and cons.

Websites

If you need help finding hope after loss visit https://www.opentohope.com/?gclid=CNnb4onUnrwCFcdQOgodH1EAoA

If you’re dealing with the loss of a child visit https://childrengrieve.org/

If you have a child that is dealing with grief visit http://www.scholastic.com/childrenandgrief/

If you’re grieving a fallen soldier visit https://www.taps.org/

If you’re grieving a death by suicide visit http://suicidegrief.save.org/ResourceLibrary

For a great blog about ways to cope with grief and resources visit https://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/

If you’re dealing with the grief of an unborn child visit http://unspokengrief.com/

If you’re struggling to form a community of support after a loss visit http://fullcirclegc.org/

My Hope is that this list covers a variety of types of loss and grief resources. If anything wasn’t covered in this list, visit https://www.mastersincounseling.org/guide/loss-grief-bereavement/ for a list of 100 more sites that aid with the grieving process.

As I’m sure we all know, in the United States, we’re allowed very long amounts of time to grieve for some people and small amounts of time for others. We grieve and memorialize Pearl Harbor 50 years+ after the attack, and honor victims of the 9/11 attacks decades later. We fly the flag at half mast for victims of terrorism in other countries, and when problematic former presidents pass, but we tell our black mothers to get over the violence their children and families are faced with every day on this American soil. Where is the outrage for these black bodies? Why are Black Lives Matter marches policed and sabotaged in Atlanta but the march for our lives is glamorized and protected in D.C.? There is an intricate web of grievable people and events in our country. This web doesn’t include violence against communities of color unless it happens in another country and is done through obvious genocide toward an ethnic group. The web doesn’t include grieving mothers and families of victims of police and government sanctioned violence. We can only grieve for brown boys and girls when they are killed for their country and make “the ultimate sacrifice”, are straight laced, and conform to society’s rules. Even then it seems our brothers and sisters are just faces on a news screen that no one will mourn publicly after a week and a purple heart. Black celebrities are mourned under the condition that they have produced something white people can lay claim to. Some are even dishonored in death, with documentaries detailing their untimely demise and the troubles they faced during their lives. But black bodies are not the only deaths swept under the rug. LGBTQ+ youth are not mourned nationally, nor are they a source of policy change or a reason for stricter gun control laws. When a trans woman has a life expectancy of 30 years, it’s not seen as a source of national outrage, as trans and gender non-binary bodies are not a source of national grief. There is a checklist of qualities and characteristics you must have to be grievable in the United States, and historically that list excludes just about everyone who isn’t cisgendered, white and male.

Time, many people say, is made up. We keep time even though the same unit of time can seem like forever to some, and a second to others. Many people say that time heals all wounds. But what about when it doesn’t? My first post is going to be about the time we give people to grieve in our country. As I’m sure it’s different in different nations and cultures (e.g. Day of the Dead in Mexico) death is a subject we don’t like to talk about, and grieving is often treated with a time limit on how long it is acceptable to grieve, how we are able to grieve, and most of all WHO is the most worthy of grief. Yes, we grieve our loved ones but we also grieve national heroes, icons, celebrities, and eras. The time we are given in our nation to grieve depends on what public spheres we are a part of. If you’re in college, you can withdraw because of hardship but only the University can approve what qualifies as a hardship withdrawal. If you work for a company that supports time off for stress or emotional hardship, you’re in luck. Although the program might not take care of everything, this essentially means that you will have some time off to grieve, expecting that you will come back to work “good as new”, because let’s be honest. Your worth in this country is based on what you can produce. Not producing means you’re not making the company money therefore you become expendable. The thing is, grief is not a timed process. The hole someone’s spirit leaves in your heart may nut ever be full again. In fact, when describing grief, no one says it gets better. You just learn to live with it and not let it consume your every move. At best, you might end up making peace with their passing. And that’s okay. My next post will delve into WHO we can grieve and the exceptions made for subjects of national and militant grief.

This series of posts was inspired by my experience with grief. It was sudden, hit me like a train and left me reeling with the reality that my friend would never greet me or his family on this Earth again. Shemar’s transition was one that gave me a real insight as to how consuming and frightening death can be. As I tried to come to terms with the very sudden passing of my friend, I realized that we treat people who are grieving very differently when we don’t know the person, or sometimes our grieving process for that same person can even prompt us to push people away. What I found most of all is that no one wants to talk about it. We don’t want to be sad, so conversations about how we are really doing seem to be short and superficial. If we really answered “how are you doing” every time someone asked, eventually people would stop asking. This attitude from managers at work, professors at school, and friends who probably do care but have no idea how to comfort you, lead me to this blog. Because the way we should be able to grieve, with our loved ones surrounding us, resources, support, and limited financial restraint, is only afforded to people who can pause their life for a moment and try to recover. If you work to live, when do you grieve? How do your bills get paid? How do you cover service expenses? How do you get help when you really need it? It’s all a bit overwhelming in addition to the realization that you have to now learn how to live without a human you very much loved, and won’t be able to touch in this life again. So in this blog I’ll talk about those things, and include resources to help anyone who is dealing with the way our nation treats those in grief.

I’m so glad you made it here!

I created this blog as a healing mechanism for myself and a resource for people who are also exploring grief, how it changes you, and how to live after losing someone you love.